In Parshas Kedoshim, the Torah reminds us that holiness is not achieved only through avodas Hashem, but also through how we treat others – bein adam l’chaveiro. During Sefiras Ha’Omer, a time when many are especially mindful of interpersonal conduct, this message feels particularly urgent.

One area where this is often tested is in our speech. When it comes to talking about others, Judaism does not subscribe to the popular idea of “If you see something, say something.” The laws of lashon hara and rechilus demand far more care, restraint, and responsibility.

As an experienced shadchan, I have witnessed firsthand the damage careless words can cause – destroying shidduchim and tarnishing reputations. Just this week, a young man declined a suggestion I offered, claiming the young woman had a smartphone, which did not align with his hashkafa. She absolutely never owned one. I looked into it and traced the rumor back to someone who had gone to school with her 5 years ago and who defended spreading the rumor, claiming, “I think I once saw her holding a smartphone.” That single, uncertain comment evolved into a damaging “fact.”

In this case, unfortunately, the gossip is mild compared to others I have seen over the years, where gossip caused deep and lasting harm to people’s lives.

From a psychological perspective, gossip is not random. Psychological studies indicate that people often gossip to fulfill social needs or elevate their perceived status. Individuals who feel insecure or lack strong social connections may use “inside information” to appear important or to try to build closer relationships with others. In some cases, gossip is used strategically – to diminish someone else’s standing and enhance one’s own position within a social hierarchy.

Moreover, gossip often reflects psychological challenges, like difficulty with emotional regulation. People who never learned proper coping skills may use it as a way to process feelings like jealousy, frustration, or low self-confidence. Instead of addressing emotions directly, they externalize them through conversations about others.

This does not excuse the behavior, but it does help us understand it. Persistent, harmful gossip is not just a lapse in judgment or character. It may signal deeper emotional or psychological struggles, alongside clear violations of halacha and core Jewish values.

Still, an important question remains: what happens when the information is truly relevant? What if sharing something could prevent future harm in a shidduch? What if silence itself could lead to pain down the line?

The Torah’s guidance is critical. There are times when speaking is permitted…and even required. But knowing when, what, and how to say something requires careful understanding, sensitivity, and rabbinic guidance.

Because in the delicate balance between protecting others and preserving dignity, holiness is found not just in what we say, but in when we choose not to.

During Sefiras Haomer, this is a great time to learn more. Please join us for an upcoming FREE online shiur with a Rav, an expert on this subject, who is generously giving his time. He will have a Q&A at the end, and you can also submit questions in advance and confidentially (send to: chevy@theshadchanit.com) to be addressed during the shiur.