Coming out of the Purim holiday, I read an opinion that Queen Esther, before she married Achashveirosh, was at least 40 years old. According to some commentaries, from her yellow skin tone to other ugly features, she may not have been a beauty queen. We will come back to this point in a moment, but first, I want to discuss this week’s parsha briefly.
This week’s parsha highlights the strength of women who did the right thing from a Torah perspective by being bold and stubborn, in the best sense of those words. The Torah tells us that the women donated their mirrors to the Mishkan. Initially, Moshe Rabbeinu rejected them, believing they were inappropriate for such a holy purpose. But Hashem instructed that the mirrors be accepted and used to make the kiyor.
Why? Because those mirrors symbolized something profound. In Mitzrayim, despite the severe physical and emotional exhaustion of slavery, Jewish women never lost hope for the future. They used those mirrors to make themselves attractive to their husbands, strengthening their marriages and ensuring the continuity of the Jewish people.
We also see in this week’s parsha that when the men succumbed to building the Egel HaZahav after Moshe Rabbeinu did not descend from Har Sinai at the time they expected, the women refused to give their gold and jewelry. They stood firm in their emunah in Hashem and His plan for when Moshe would descend.
Let’s be honest. The pressure those women faced was far greater than what most women experience today. This was long before the feminist movement, equal pay debates, or the many forms of modern independence of women. Yet they stood up to the men and remained steadfast in their faith.
We have seen similar courage in more recent generations among Torah-observant women. From the determination of Sara Schenirer, who prevailed in opening religious schools for girls when the rabbinic leaders opposed the idea for years, to the women in 2026 who, despite social pressures and the prevailing fashion industry styles, choose to maintain the proper tznius standards of covering knees and elbows.
This week’s parsha, though it contains important messages about women, is not only for women. It also carries an important message for men: what should be the priority when choosing a wife, the woman with whom they will build a home and raise Torah-committed children.
The lessons of the Parsha show that what truly matters is a woman who is strong in her avodas Hashem, someone who can stand firm in her values even when others falter.
Now let’s return to the Purim story. There are different opinions about whether Esther was physically beautiful. But the commentaries agree on one point: it was her inner beauty that captivated those around her.
And yet, despite hearing the megillah twice each Purim, many singles still struggle to grasp a simple idea: when you take the time to see and appreciate someone’s inner qualities, that person can become attractive in your eyes. In fact, modern research on the brain’s processing mechanisms supports this as well. But too many singles (and shadchanim) ignore it.
The central message of the Purim story is that even when we cannot understand what is unfolding before us, Hashem orchestrates events and performs miracles. Esther ultimately married Achashveirosh according to Hashem’s plan, despite hiding from him for a few years and perhaps being physically ugly.
There is an important lesson here for shidduchim.
Coming out of Purim, women in the shidduch parsha, and female shadchanim, should show the same strength and conviction as women of earlier generations. If a man demands a photo, say no. That should be far easier than the women who refused to give their gold for the Egel HaZahav. Demonstrate true emunah that your shidduch will happen the way Hashem intends, at the proper time and in the proper way, without relying on a photo.
Because anyone who says “I can tell by a photo” is not worth dating. Neurological research on the brain confirms that people who make decisions based on a photo are impulsive thinkers, which is a cognitive deficiency and psychological behavior that can indicate poor decision-making, maladaptive behaviors, and weak emotional regulation. Do you really want to date THAT guy or girl?
Moreover, studies show that photos distort perception. Visual images can lead people to assume that someone who appears more attractive must also be smarter, kinder, or more capable, a phenomenon known as the “halo effect.” This bias creates misleading impressions and interferes with the genuine evaluation of character. Do you really want to date THAT guy or girl?
The brain processes and retains images 60,000 times faster than text, and recalls information from visual images up to 6 times more than text information. Which means that whether you like it or not, when you show a photo, it becomes more influential than a carefully prepared shidduch résumé.
While both genders can react impulsively to photos, this week’s parsha is particularly important in understanding female and male behaviors. Medical research on the brain and body shows correlations between more impulsive behavior and adrenaline, testosterone, or other hormonal influences. So when men refuse to consider someone without seeing a photo, knowing that the photo will affect their hormones and impulsivity, we have to ask whether they have the right priorities.
This parsha specifically teaches us that women have special strength in spirituality; a man will not see that in a photo. Nor will he see her true kindness, intelligence, or other traits that make her a catch. A quality guy should meet her and experience the amazing person she is, not swipe right or left because of a photo.
And perhaps that is one of the quiet lessons connecting Purim and this week’s parsha: true greatness is rarely visible at first glance. It reveals itself only to those willing to look deeper.