For several years, I have been involved in efforts to prevent the continued desecration and looming destruction of a major Jewish cemetery in Vilna, which contains the remains of approximately 50,000 Jews. During this work, I was deeply moved to learn that the Vilna Gaon was buried alongside the plot containing the ashes of the Ger Tzedek, Avraham ben Avraham, formerly known as Count Potocki, a nobleman from one of Poland’s most prestigious families who was burned at the stake by the Catholic Church for converting to Judaism.
Rabbi Berel Wein once noted that it was no coincidence that these two holy Jews were buried next to one another. There was a close relationship between the Vilna Gaon and Avraham ben Avraham, and when Communist Russia took control of the original Shnipishok Cemetery, already desecrated by the Nazis and slated to become a sports complex, their remains were moved together to a new location.
According to oral tradition, before his death, the Ger Tzedek confided to the Vilna Gaon that while he was honored to die al kiddush Hashem, he felt a deep sadness that he had not merited to have children who would be full-fledged members of the Jewish people.
I often wonder what might have been had Avraham ben Avraham merited to live a full life as a Torah Jew. In the 1700s, would social stigma and narrow-mindedness have made him undesirable as a marriage partner? Or would women of quality, and their families, have recognized the greatness of a man willing to give up everything for the truth of Torah?
As we read this week’s parsha, Yisro, we are reminded of the immeasurable contributions of converts who chose to join the Jewish people. Yisro’s impact extended far beyond his own conversion and his daughter’s marriage to Moshe Rabbeinu; he brought wisdom and leadership to transform the judicial system under Moshe. Onkelos, a Roman nobleman and nephew of Emperor Titus, became one of the greatest Torah commentators. David Hamelech descended from Rus, a convert who married Boaz.
We speak of these specific converts with reverence. But even though the Torah commands us dozens of times to love, respect, and show compassion toward the ger, in practice, many people automatically reject shidduch suggestions involving converts or the children of converts.
As a shadchan, I understand why some seek a match with a similar background. Familiarity can feel safer; shared culture can be comforting. But too often, it is insecurity and communal stigma, not genuine incompatibility, that cause ordinary singles to turn away from today’s extraordinary converts.
I have been privileged to make shidduchim for, and attend the weddings of, converts. Each time I watch them stand under the chuppah is deeply moving. At those moments, I often wonder: are these souls descendants of Jews who were forced to convert under threat of torture during the Crusades or the Spanish Inquisition? Are they the descendants of those who drifted away during the Haskalah in Germany and elsewhere? Who are these holy neshamos who merited to choose to be part of the Jewish people?
The Torah portion this week repeatedly emphasizes that Yisro was Moshe Rabbeinu’s father-in-law, teaching a powerful lesson: Moshe did not feel embarrassment, insecurity, or second-class for marrying Tziporah. His marriage to her was not because he “couldn’t do better.” It was because she was his bashert.
Each person’s bashert is chosen by Hashem Himself. Maybe your spouse will be tall or short, thin or heavy. Maybe with red hair or black. Maybe previously married, maybe not. Maybe from a similar background, or just maybe someone who courageously chose to join the Jewish people.
We do not understand Hashem’s calculations. But we are responsible for trusting that He runs the world and for not allowing fear, insecurity, or concern over “what people will say” to block our potential happiness. Especially when that may come in the form of someone who sacrificed family, comfort, status, wealth, or career to live the truth of Torah.
As a shadchan, I am deeply pained by the challenges converts face in our communities. I recently committed to dedicating time specifically to helping converts find their basherts. In addition to my regular shidduch work around the globe, and in fulfillment of the Torah’s directive to show special care for converts, I will be volunteering weekly with Ohev Ger, an extraordinary organization in Israel devoted to supporting those who choose Judaism.
Converts do not fit into a single mold. Some work, some learn. They come from different countries, ethnicities, ages, and hashkafos. But they share one reality: in today’s already difficult shidduch landscape, they need more help than most.
It is time to move past the mindset that converts should only marry converts. How beautiful it is to help them fully integrate into our communities by welcoming them, through marriage, into established Jewish families.
So, as you read this week’s parsha, take a moment to merit helping a convert find their bashert. If you know a convert who is looking to marry, or singles with the strength of character and clarity of values to be open to dating converts, please reach out to me at chevy@theshadchanit.com. And if you are a fellow shadchan, I invite you to join me in committing not to take shadchanus payments from converts, our small gesture of extra love for those who chose Am Yisrael with such courage.
Making shidduchim is partnering with Hashem in His holy work. May we merit great success.