Welcome to the world of dating properly…dating for success! Many people struggle with dating because this is about embarking on a path for a life-long commitment, and it is challenging to start and build healthy relationships in today’s complex world.

Whether you are getting ready to date for the first time or you’ve been dating for 10 years and it is just not working for you, sometimes it makes sense to take a step back and say, “What is the best process?” I often hear people say that they hate shadchanim, they hate the dating process, and they just want to do it on their own. When delving deeper into their frustration, I have learned that they aren’t dating properly, and the process is what they really hate. It doesn’t mean throw everything away, but rather to redirect energies to the correct way to date.

Whether you are working with matchmakers, getting set up through friends, attending singles events, or hoping to meet someone when you are out on the town, you can still benefit from acquiring key tools and knowledge that will guide you to the chuppah. As an experienced shadchan, I have found that with most people, the problem is not “who” to date but “how” to date. In the coming weeks and months, I will be taking you through the successful dating process, step by step. We’ll explore if, how, and when to check someone out. Do you need to have priorities in dating and if so, how to choose them. How to know whether to continue or to end a relationship. How to avoid “one and done” dating scenarios, where you can’t get past the first date. Who should be setting you up? And lots more.

Feel free to submit any questions or thoughts to chevy@theshadchanit.com, so we can address and discuss them. Because the goal of this blog is to help you.

So, let’s get started with S.M.A.R.T. dating. What is that?

SSerious about dating. Are you really serious about dating, which means you are dating for marriage, not just to have fun in life? We’ll discuss what it means to be serious about dating, which includes being able to put someone else first.

M – Me, myself. Are you dating for yourself? Do you know what you need, as compared to what you want? More important, do you understand how much of dating is about “me” as opposed to someone else, the other person in the relationship?

AAdaptable. Why not Adjustable? Learn the difference, learn which is the right way to be flexible in dating. Because marriage is about flexibility, compromising, and working together…but sometimes, you can be going too far, doing too much. Learn about the balance, so that you are giving in and not giving up.

R – Realistic. Are your expectations – about yourself, about your spouse, and about dating, realistic? Or have you been watching too many Hollywood romance movies where in 2 hours, people meet, break up, make up, and then live happily ever after?

T – Tefilla. “T” does not stand for “Today” or even “Timely”. Because dating for marriage is a process of building a relationship with a solid foundation, not love at first sight that will happen on the first date. And not something that you can set a deadline for, as in, “I will be engaged in 2 months.” You want to start the process correctly today but realize that Hashem has His plan for your timing. So you should make proper efforts and focus on the steps to get married soon, and daven, daven, daven that Hashem should help make it a smooth process and enable you to meet your bashert soon.

Keep an eye out for the next blog, which will take you to the first step of the dating process!

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