This week’s parsha, Tzav, highlights an important theme for dating couples: the need to explore shared financial values.
Rabbi Yissachar Frand explains that the word “Tzav” (command) is used when Hashem asks Bnei Yisrael to do something difficult, especially when it involves financial sacrifice. The Gemara (Kiddushin 29a) teaches that these mitzvos require extra urgency, for it to be commanded rather than just said, because people naturally hesitate when money is involved.
In this week’s parsha, it is in the context of korbonos, when it may not be easy to spend hard-earned money for something that is ultimately being burned. We can feel this burden this time of year when people are cleaning, cooking, and shopping for Pesach – especially the expenses for items that don’t last. Yes, we need to spend money on serving Hashem – Jewish education, tznius clothing, and kosher food may not be cheap. And that is what this week’s parsha, Tzav, reminds us, that we may need to be commanded to do the difficult things.
And while Chazal teach that money spent on Shabbos and Yom Tov is “returned,” that doesn’t mean spending without limits. Hashem expects responsibility alongside commitment and people should live within their means. This balance between faith and financial responsibility is exactly what makes financial values so important in dating.
Before marriage, it’s critical to understand whether you and your partner share similar perspectives on spending, saving, and priorities. Having shared financial values is critical for long-term compatibility and happiness in marriage. Financial stress is one of the leading causes of marital conflict, so alignment in this area matters deeply.
Timing is important. These conversations shouldn’t happen too early, but they also shouldn’t be left until it’s too late. In shorter dating tracks, around the fourth date is often appropriate, after more serious disclosures but before things become too emotionally invested. In longer relationships, it should come once a foundation of trust is built, but while there’s still space to evaluate compatibility.
What kind of questions/discussions are appropriate?
- Is s/he more of a high-maintenance or low-maintenance person – a nice way to discuss if you are materialistic. One way to approach this is to discuss how much you like shopping and what kind. Is someone a brand-name shopper or a vintage shop type…or in between?
- What about his/her friends?
- What was your family’s approach to money when you were growing up. Did your parents talk to you about finances? Teach you about it? Encourage you to work and save? Support you and give you whatever you wanted…or what they thought you needed?
- What are your financial priorities? For example, if your spouse lost their job, how would you readjust your finances – would you first borrow money so you can maintain your lifestyle as you look for a new job, or would you recalculate your budget and make serious cuts?
- Do you save money now for the long term?
- What is something you would splurge on for yourself?
- If you won a large sum of money, say $100,000, what would you do with it?
- What do you consider hishtadlus versus bitachon when it comes to trying to earn more money?
- Are you a planner when it comes to spending; do you plan and save for big purchases or are you the kind of person who sees something, loves it, and buys it right away?
- Do you prioritize financial security or do you like to have the freedom to spend as you want?
- How would you want to balance financial security with family in your home – in terms of how much spouses should work versus spending time with their family?
- Some people will say that having a maid is a basic financial cost, just like the electric bill or phone bill, and families should budget that as a priority, not a luxury…because it can help the woman be more relaxed and physically stronger. What do you think?
- How important is it for you to buy a home within the first few years of marriage?
- Today, retiring at 55 is no longer a viable option for most people. What are your thoughts on saving for retirement – spending less in your younger years to be able to retire early?
- How much do you think parents should be giving their kids/supporting them, if the parents don’t have wealth and extra money?
- What kind of bills/expenses do you have now and do you actually have a budget for yourself?
- How do you decide/prioritize what you spend your money on?
- Are you a risk taker when it comes to spending money? Would you buy a lottery ticket? Invest in the stocks or something that is not 100% guaranteed return?
It’s also important not to judge too quickly. People come from different financial backgrounds, and what matters most is not what someone had, but how they think. A family that took expensive vacations isn’t necessarily irresponsible, just as a family that lived frugally isn’t automatically “better.” The real question is: what values guided those choices?
Ultimately, these conversations help you understand not just how someone spends money but how they think about responsibility, priorities, and trust in Hashem.
Tzav reminds us that financial challenges often arise and you need a partner who shares your approach to finances. In dating, having the courage to talk about money openly is part of developing a relationship on shared values that can sustain a life together.