When I reached out to “Shulamit” this week to suggest “Aron,” a truly wonderful young man, she told me she had seen him once and wasn’t sure she felt attracted to him, so she wasn’t interested. Aron is good-looking, healthy, stable, and kind, yet this woman in her forties would not agree to a first date.
A few weeks ago, “Chaim” went out with “Sara.” She was sweet, pleasant, and attractive, but he “didn’t feel it.” He wants to experience “chemistry” on a first date, something that will motivate him to invest in a second. Besides, he really envisions himself with someone who plays the piano. She plays the guitar.
These are the kinds of stories shadchanim hear every single day. Singles are getting older, remaining single longer, turning down quality people, and often refusing to put in the effort required to build a relationship.
Are singles right, or wrong, to be so selective?
We can learn an important and timely lesson from this week’s parsha. In Parshas Mishpatim, the Torah prohibits mixing milk and meat without offering a clear explanation. Over the centuries, commentators have proposed various reasons, but ultimately, it remains a chok, a mitzvah we observe not because we fully understand it, but because Hashem commanded it.
There are many things in life we do not fully understand. As a shadchan, I have often suggested matches that did not appear to make perfect sense “on paper.” Yet those very couples are now happily married, raising families. The logic behind the idea may have seemed as elusive as the prohibition against milk and meat, but the singles trusted that the suggestion was part of a greater plan.
Because that is what shidduchim are about. Hashem has His plans, and shadchanim are merely His messengers.
This does not mean you must date every suggestion that comes your way. But you should have a solid reason to decline a first date. And if you agree to a first date, there should be a meaningful, legitimate reason not to proceed to a third. Dates one and two are introductions; date three is often where a relationship truly begins to take shape.
For generations, this approach guided the Jewish dating world. Today, however, many singles have adopted a more secular dating model, seeking to control every variable, demanding immediate chemistry, and placing trust in themselves rather than in Hashem’s plan.
Too often, excellent suggestions are rejected simply because they do not check every imagined box.
Yes, many singles today are increasingly selective, and research indicates that these patterns contribute to prolonged singlehood and declining marriage rates.
In psychology, extreme pickiness in dating is often understood as an attempt to control what is inherently uncertain. Dating involves vulnerability and ambiguity. Those new to the process and even those long entrenched in it may become overly selective due to insecurity, fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, or underdeveloped relationship skills. Instead of addressing those root issues, they refine their lists and raise their standards, which often intensifies the problem over time.
Research highlights several contributing factors:
- Rejection Mindset – A belief that there are always better options available fosters a tendency to reject rather than risk being rejected. The longer someone dates without success, the more insecurity can grow, and the stronger the impulse becomes to dismiss others first.
- Hyper-Independence – Many singles approach dating with a heightened sense of autonomy. While independence can be healthy, it can also lead to dismissing outside guidance, especially when it challenges unrealistic expectations. Some overestimate the type of partner they can attract and refuse feedback that might help them recalibrate.
- The Illusion of Endless Options – With résumés and photos circulating widely, it can feel as though limitless possibilities exist. This perception increases dissatisfaction. The more someone believes there is always someone better, the less satisfied they feel with any one suggestion. Comparisons, often superficial, to what friends appear to have can further inflate expectations.
At its core, much of this comes down to unrealistic expectations. The pursuit of someone “out of one’s league” or the tendency to scrutinize and dismiss quality suggestions leads many singles to attend event after event, contact shadchan after shadchan, join dating website after website… while their selectivity increases and their singlehood lengthens.
We do not mix milk and meat. We accept the mitzvah. We practice it. We trust in Hashem, even without full understanding.
The same principle can guide shidduchim.
Find shadchanim you trust. Stop insisting on photos before meeting. Be open to suggestions. Give a match the space to reach a third date, with proper guidance. And cultivate the emunah that Hashem has a plan for you that makes sense, even if it takes a little time for you to see it.