We all know that friend or relative whose Shabbos table is already set on Thursday night. The food is prepared, the house is spotless, and everything seems calm and perfectly organized.
I love that version of reality. But somehow, in many homes, it doesn’t work out that way. Five extra guests call at the last minute. Something runs out. Another dish needs to be cooked. Suddenly, it’s an hour before Shabbos and the kitchen is in full chaos. Erev Shabbos becomes fast-paced and hectic.
Yet there’s a beauty in it. If you keep the right attitude and don’t let your nerves get frazzled, you know it’s all worthwhile.
Dating can feel a lot like that.
You want it to be an easy and smooth process. But then something unexpected happens. The “perfect” person suddenly seems less perfect when they share personal struggles or family baggage. The chemistry you felt on the first date seems to disappear by the fourth. You learn that your date is super messy or too rigid about time management. Suddenly, your relationship seems like that chaotic Friday afternoon, which is not what you planned for.
I was thinking about this while reading this week’s parsha, which again discusses the mitzvah of keeping Shabbos.
It’s not just about what you can and cannot do on Shabbos. Sure, there are rules. Lots of them. And if you learn them and keep them properly, you will have a special, most beautiful relationship with Hashem.
The Torah speaks about Shabbos more than once because there is so much involved in keeping it properly. It’s not just about what you can or cannot do on Shabbos. Yes, there are many halachos to learn and observe. But there is also preparation: cleaning, shopping, cooking, giving up conveniences, and sometimes missing work events or other opportunities.
It’s easy to complain about how hard it can be.
But the effort is worthwhile.
It’s all in our attitude and approach.
Shabbos invites us into a unique relationship with Hashem, a time set aside to step away from the noise of daily life and reconnect with what truly matters. When we understand and appreciate the value of that relationship – the peace, the holiness, and the closeness it brings – we can see that the work involved is not a burden but a privilege. The preparation, the costs, the time, the frustrations, the stress, and the care we invest become expressions of how much we cherish that bond with Hashem and the special gift of Shabbos.
Dating works the same way.
Shabbos requires preparation, patience, and sometimes giving up what feels convenient in the moment to preserve something sacred. In the same way, searching for a partner to build a Torah home can also involve effort, frustration, and moments of uncertainty. But when we understand the value of what we are working toward, it becomes easier to stay committed to the process. Just as Shabbos creates a special relationship with Hashem that makes all hard work and effort worthwhile, the effort invested in dating with the right intentions can lead to a relationship built on shared values, commitment, and holiness. When we appreciate the significance of that outcome, we become more willing to do the work necessary to approach dating thoughtfully, patiently, and with faith in the process.
Whether it is keeping Shabbos or moving forward in a relationship, motivation matters.
For Shabbos, it is a spiritual motivation, with a desire to be closer to and properly serve Hashem. But you also want to reap the benefits of Hashem’s benevolence and blessings to those who keep Shabbos.
In dating, you are motivated by your desire to find a partner to happily spend the rest of your life with. Just like keeping Shabbos, it is not effortless. But too often, singles approach it with the wrong perspective. Instead of asking what they can contribute to a relationship, they focus primarily on what they will get out of it.
Psychologists define motivation as the force that drives behavior. When people maintain long lists of demands or unrealistic expectations, it sometimes reflects something deeper: a lack of genuine motivation to marry. Someone may say they want marriage, but their behavior may reveal a stronger commitment to maintaining personal comfort and independence.
Research shows that many singles today are highly motivated to preserve their autonomy and personal freedom. The broader culture reinforces the idea that adulthood means maintaining control over one’s time, choices, lifestyle, and personal growth without being constrained by another person.
Those desires are understandable. Independence and self-development are valuable.
But this mindset can clash with the Torah perspective on dating and marriage.
In the Torah worldview, marriage is not about protecting independence. It is about building something together—a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael, a faithful Jewish home. Dating is meant to be purposeful: a process of finding the person with whom you can build that mission.
That requires compromise. It requires sacrifice. It means prioritizing another person, making decisions together, and accepting responsibilities that may limit certain freedoms.
Yet Shabbos itself teaches us an important truth: fulfillment often comes through commitment.
What initially feels like giving something up can actually lead to deeper meaning, growth, stability, and connection.
The challenge for singles today is not to eliminate their desire for independence, but to reframe it. Personal growth is important—but within the Torah approach, it often reaches its fullest expression inside a committed relationship, where two people work together toward shared spiritual, emotional, and family goals.
The real question becomes not, “How do I preserve my independence?”
Instead, it becomes: “How can I use who I am to build something meaningful with someone else?”
When that shift happens, dating stops being about protecting personal freedom and becomes about preparing to create a life of shared purpose.
As we enter Shabbos and appreciate our relationship with Hashem, it is also a time to think about those who have not yet found their bashert. Consider whether you might know someone who could be a good match for them.
After all, although many activities are prohibited on Shabbos, as we sing in the zemiros, “u’leshadech habanos” – helping arrange a shidduch – is one task that remains beautifully permitted.