A friend and I recently went to a small moshav near Beit Shemesh to daven at the kever of a great tzaddik. People from across Israel travel around the world to daven at famous holy sites, yet few realize that great yeshuos have come to those who daven at the kever of Rav Yitzchak Gavra in Moshav Ajur. It is not widely known like other kivrei tzaddikim, but those who have gone to this kever speak about remarkable outcomes.
It struck me that this is often how shidduchim work. Sometimes what you are searching for is exactly right in front of you.
There is a concept called inattentional blindness: the tendency to miss something clearly visible because our attention is directed elsewhere. In dating, this can look like constantly searching for someone “better,” or focusing on minor flaws while overlooking major strengths. The most important qualities, like integrity, kindness, emotional steadiness, shared values, compatibility, and loyalty, may be right in front of us, yet unseen.
At times, we are not just distracted, we are locked into what is called “mental set”. We approach dating with fixed expectations about how things “should” look or feel.
“He should express emotion in this particular way.”
“She should react like this.”
“The right person will feel dramatic and intense.”
“Success must look like x, y, and z.”
When reality does not match our internal script, we assume something is wrong. But sometimes nothing is wrong. Sometimes we are simply looking for the right thing in the wrong format.
If you are dating and not finding what you are looking for, perhaps the adjustment is not in searching harder, but in searching differently.
There is a well-known observational bias called the Streetlight Effect. A man loses his keys down a dark road, but searches for them under a bright streetlight. When asked if he is sure he lost them there, he replies that he lost them further down the road, but this is where the light is strongest, so it is easier to search.
It sounds absurd, but how often do we do the same?
In shidduchim, many people search where it feels comfortable, familiar, or convenient, not necessarily where the answer is most likely to be found. They resend resumes to the same circles, scroll the same platforms, attend the same events with the same familiar faces – all under the belief that they are doing proper hishtadlus.
But perhaps they are simply searching under the streetlight.
Sometimes the “streetlight” is a geographic preference. Sometimes it is a narrow background requirement. Sometimes it is focusing only on what looks good on paper, like appearance, education, or family background, because those qualities are visible and easy to evaluate.
The deeper traits, such as emotional maturity, attachment patterns, resilience, humility, and shared life vision, are harder to see. They require patience, open-mindedness, and a willingness to step outside one’s comfort zone.
Understandably, people gravitate toward what feels safe and predictable. But unfamiliar does not mean wrong. And comfortable does not always mean correct.
Last week’s parsha, Terumah, offers a powerful relationship lesson. Bnei Yisrael were asked to contribute materials for the Mishkan, including gold, silver, fabrics, wood, and oil. Not everyone gave the same thing. Each person brought what they felt moved to contribute. The Mishkan was built from diverse elements, brought together to build something sacred and whole: the holy, beautiful Mishkan.
Dating and relationships should be approached the same way. One person may bring warmth, the other brings emotional intelligence. One brings vision, the other brings grounding. It is not about finding someone who mirrors you perfectly or checks every imagined box. It is about what the two of you can build together.
Hashem says, “Make for Me a sanctuary, and I will dwell among them.”
Not “inside it,” but “among them.”
Likewise, in marriage-minded relationships, the sacred doesn’t reside in either partner alone but emerges in the between, the space created by the shared effort, the mutual investment, the collaborative building. When both people invest properly, together they can create trust, safety, respect, and, ultimately, love. But that relationship doesn’t just happen on its own. It must be built, intentionally, by both partners contributing to it, investing in it, and working hard for it.
Just like the Mishkan became a place for Hashem to dwell, every Jewish home should be built for that as well. But only if we are willing to look beyond the obvious light and see what is truly there. Marriage is a holy union, and dating should be conducted with a focus on giving and working with someone to build the kind of home where Hashem will dwell.
NOTE: I recently wrote about an amazing organization, Ohev Ger (www.OhevGer.org) in Israel. I am working with them to find shidduchim for the amazing men and women from all over the world who have chosen to be Jewish and move to Israel (some are willing to move out of Israel for marriage). If you are open to dating a Ger or Giyores, please email shidduchim@ohevger.org.