Someone called me a few days ago to ask what I thought about her taking a break from dating.
She was frustrated. Tired. Feeling that dating had become more draining than exciting. And to her credit, she was honest with herself: she simply wasn’t in the headspace to put in the effort that dating requires.
When you are dating someone specific, I think continuity is important. Seeing each other every day probably isn’t the healthiest way to build a relationship, but long gaps between dates can make it difficult to develop a natural sense of connection and momentum.
But what about when you’re not getting beyond the first few dates? Is it okay to take a month or two or even three off when you are emotionally exhausted?
I was thinking about this over Shabbos.
We’ve all had that moment when we’re about to make Hamotzi and realize the salt is nowhere to be found. Sometimes it’s hiding under the challah cover (apparently humans aren’t the only ones who enjoy crawling under the covers for a little Shabbos rest) or perhaps you simply forgot to put it on the table.
Halachically, although we generally avoid speaking after washing our hands until Hamotzi, there are circumstances in which you can indicate that you need salt, whether by saying “salt” or even with a simple hand gesture. But ideally, you check that the salt is on the table before you wash. Even better, you make sure everything you need is ready before the meal begins.
In other words: Interrupting the silence between washing and Hamotzi is permitted when necessary, but it shouldn’t be the plan.
Perhaps dating is similar.
There are certainly times when taking a break is healthy and appropriate. If you have just come out of a serious relationship that ended painfully, you may need time to process what happened, reassess what you really need, and become emotionally available to meet someone new. If you are dealing with a significant family, health, work, or personal challenge, taking some time off from dating may simply be the right thing to do.
But there is another kind of “break” that I see more often.
Someone has gone on a string of dates with people who were clearly not a good fit. They are frustrated and burned out. So they decide to stop dating for a while.
Sometimes the problem isn’t that you need a break from dating. Maybe you need to make some adjustments to the way you are dating.
Just as it is better to discover that the salt is missing before you wash your hands, it is better to think carefully about what you are looking for before you agree to meet someone.
That doesn’t mean becoming overly picky. There is an important difference between being discerning and being closed-minded.
Sometimes we reject people too quickly because they don’t fit our preconceived picture. Other times, we are so broad-minded that we agree to date people who, if we were being honest with ourselves, we already know are unlikely to be a good fit.
The goal is not to create a perfect checklist. It is to understand what really matters to you, and what doesn’t.
And this is an especially appropriate time of year to think about that.
My daughter’s school recently had a special assembly for the Yamim Noraim. One student shared her story about how, for months, she had davened for a classmate whose mother was battling cancer. B”H, the woman beat cancer, and her classmates all breathed a sigh of relief.
Until, the student continued speaking, THE call came. The one informing her family that her beloved father of nine children had been killed in a car accident.
The student explained that she had been davening for what she saw needed to be improved: her friend’s mother’s health. But in the process, she realized that she had taken her own family’s status quo for granted.
Of course we should daven for sick people, for a raise, for shalom bayis, for good dates – for whatever it is we need or want.
But we also need to daven at our own ground zero.
Not just for a raise in salary, but that we keep the job we have.
Not just for an improvement in the health of someone battling cancer, but for the continued health of ourselves and our families.
Not just for the next good date, but for the wisdom to recognize the right opportunities, the courage to be flexible or change our priorities, and the emotional strength to build something when the opportunity comes.
And that is a good approach to dating as we move from Yom Kippur toward Sukkos.
Another year has gone by and you’re not married? Rather than simply asking, “When will it happen?” perhaps this is a good time to be more thorough…honest…comprehensive…
Not just, “What am I looking for?” but also:
- Am I looking in the right places?
- Am I being too restrictive, or not discerning enough?
- Have my experiences changed what I should be looking for?
- Am I giving people a fair chance—or chances they never really had?
- And am I emotionally ready to make the effort that building a relationship requires?
Sometimes the answer really is, “I need a break from dating.”
And that’s okay. If you know what you are really taking a break from.
But sometimes the answer is, “I don’t need to stop dating. I just need to stop dating the wrong people.”
So take a dating lesson from the Shabbos table: Before you wash your hands, make sure you know where the salt is.