As a shadchan, I get frustrated when singles make it harder for me to help, such as when someone sends me their Linked In profile and tells me to pull info from there to set them up. Yes, it has happened. And it’s not much different than someone sending me a bad shidduch profile with little relevant information.
What makes a shidduch profile good or bad? When your profile is one of 10 or 20 or 100 landing in a shadchan’s inbox or being presented to a single, you need to stand out. I’m not talking about colorful designs and fonts (please do not use those!), but rather a profile that make you a unique individual and not just another single male or female.
Your shidduch profiles is not a CV being submitted for a job vacancy. When applying for a job, you submit your resume with a cover letter that explains what you are applying for and your qualifications. Sending a “resume” to a shadchan without the important elements that would be included in a cover letter is just a waste of time.
The shidduch profile is your marketing tool, the piece that is going to “sell” you. It needs to convince someone to choose you rather than one of the other 30 people whose profile came across his/her desk today. The shidduch profile is like a homepage on your personal website. What would get someone to “click” to learn more? It’s like a storefront window, giving people a first glimpse into what you have to offer. And that’s why it needs to be more than a list of schools and siblings. It must entice someone to want to meet you…or at least to make some phone calls to your references to learn more.
The two most important components of the shidduch profile are the summaries: About me and What I’m looking for. In each section, you need to include some points about both personality and hashkafa.
- Personality – Spend some time thinking about what to say. Everyone wants someone kind and nice. But is sense of humor important to you? Street smart or book smart? Outgoing or quiet? High maintenance or low maintenance? Include 2-3 lines about yourself and your personality, what you like to do. And be truthful. If you go to the gym once a year, don’t make it sound like you are a regular who loves to work out.
- Hashkafos – Don’t use terms like spiritual or “Toradig” – no one knows what they mean and they often are used to describe someone who isn’t sure where they are holding on a religious level. The religious category helps offer a starting point – Yeshivish, Modern Yeshivish, Modern Orthodox Machmir (YU Machmir), Modern Orthodox Middle of the Road, Modern Orthodox Liberal. It is critical to supplement that with an explanation of what this religious category means to you. Do you care what kippa he wears? A hat? Colored shirts? Shul 3x a day? Uses the Internet? Smartphone versus kosher phone? TV? Movies? Do you care if her knees are not always covered or if she wears pants or she’s not going to fully cover her hair? Explain your hashkafos. You can even offer to date someone who falls into one of two categories, such as Modern Orthodox Machmir or Modern Yeshivish. And for those who want someone still learning in yeshiva or who will stay in kollel, please mention that, versus open to dating someone in college or working.
References: Provide 2-3 references besides a relative, who can talk about your strengths and weaknesses. Offer people who know your good and your bad, and can be an advocate for you, despite your imperfections. If a reference doesn’t know your flaws, they don’t know you well enough to be a reference.
Final tips: Include other information that could save shadchanim and singles a lot of time if they had it up front. Starting with the actual date of birth and not an age (as many profiles could be 5-10 years old). Also include whether you would relocate out of your city/state/country or if you are tied to a job, school, or family in a specific location for a certain time frame. And usually profiles will have the mother’s and father’s names on separate lines to indicate divorce; it is important to note if they are. If you yourself are divorced, include how many times (dates Get was given) and gender + ages of the children.
And remember, do not lie. Relationships are built upon a foundation of trust. If you lie on your profile, don’t expect to gain someone’s trust after they meet you.
Need help making a shidduch profile? Let Dr. Chevy Weiss review and update yours before you post it on sites or send it around to shadchanim. $20 includes a phone interview so she can get to know you better, and a written profile that will help present you properly. She will also review and critique your shidduch photos (if you are using any).